1. Mullah Nasredin had an insatiable craving for knowledge, but did not seem to know what knowledge was. As a result he asked a local wise man the stupidest questions, always based upon random assumptions. One day the Mullah noticed that his donkey was Inissing. He ran to the wise mans house: 'Well, Mulla, what is it this time?'; 'My donkey is gone! Where can I find it?' The wise man was quite fed up with the Mullah. 'Nasredin,' he said, 'the donkey has run off, turned into a man and been appointed the magistrate in the next town.' Thanking the wise man for his information, the Mullah trudged to the court. There sat the magistrate, and Nasredin shook his fist at him: 'Come home at once, you foolish animal!' The magistrate was furious. 'Who are you and how dare you talk to me like that? I'll have you sent to the cells!' 'I'm the well-known Mullah Nasredin, and I have it on the best authority that you are my donkey.' 'That's ridiculous. Nobody in his right senses would credit such a thing!' Nasredin drew himself up to his full height. 'Say what you like he said, 'I prefer to believe the statement of a wise man rather than that of a donkey.'

2. Wisdom, according to the Sufis, can only be acquired when one is ready for it: though people insist on seeking enlightenment as and when they want it. The Sufi's task, however, includes trying to impart knowledge in the right way, at the right time, to the people who are able to receive it: The King wanted a large number of gorgeous robes made for a special ceremony, and the Royal Tailor had to take on several assistants to cope with the work. Mullah Nasredin was one of them. He was not very useful as a tailor, so the Master Tailor sent him out on some errand. While the Mullah was out, the Palace sent a load of sweetmeats to be given to the workers to encourage them. 'Never mind about Nasredin,' said the Master Tailor, when the confections were being distributed; 'he doesn't like halwa anyway. When the Mullah came back and his fellow-workers told him this, he decided to pay the boss back. A representative of the Court had been sent to oversee the work, to make sure that none of the valuable fabric was stolen, and to ensure that the robes were finished on time. Nasredin took him aside. 'It would be a tragedy,' he said, 'if my master's infirmity were to affect the completion of the work.' 'Infirmity? What do you mean?' 'Well, he is given to fits of madness. When one of these comes over him, he destroys everything in the place.' 'But that is terrible! This silk was brought from China, and specially woven... 'Then let me advise you, Intensively Glorious Ornament of the Court,' said Nasredin, 'the Master Tailor must be seized and given a beating, as shock treatment, the moment he begins to show signs that the seizure is about to start.' What signs?' 'Well, he begins turning things over as if looking for something, and runs his hands over the material, as if seeking bumps.' The courtier thanked the Mullah, and kept a close eye on the Tailor. Nasredin then took his master's scissors and hid them. Soon the Tailor was looking everywhere for them, running his hands up and down the cloth to seek a bump, lifting things up and looking underneath... 'Seize that man, tie him up and beat him, quickly!' shouted the supervising Courtier. After this treatment, and when the reason had been explained to him, the Tailor rushed over to the Mullah, shouting, 'Since when was I insane?' 'Since I ceased to like halwa,' said Nasredin. The confusion of opinion and fact is one of the most common and most bewildering of human tendencies. We all know that other-wise perfectly rational people, from time to time, will show that they not only prefer opinion to fact: they will be unaware that they are making the preference.  

3. One day Mullah Nasredin said to his wife, 'Bring me a piece of cheese. Cheese is nutritious, pleasing to the taste, and easy to eat.' 'Mullah!' she cried, 'there's no cheese in the house.'Nasredin continued, 'Cheese can go bad and smell. It can give you nightmares - and it costs too much.' 'Now,' said Mrs Nasredin, 'which statement is the right one?' 'It all depends,' said the Mullah, 'on whether you have any cheese or not.'

4. Mullah Nasredin and a party of his friends went to listen to an address by a Sufi who was visiting his town to talk to a group of the Sufi's own disciples. The visitor gave a long speech, and everyone listened respect-fully; though Nasredin's friends could make neither head nor tail of it. Walking home, one of his companions said, 'Mullah, what was he talking about?' 'Ah,' said Nasredin, 'if he wouldn't tell, neither shall I!' One of the tasks of a spiritual disciple is that he should overcome the deceitfulness in his mind, which constantly betrays him. This is an aspect of the 'commanding self', the accumulation of instinct and experience which clouds the perceptive faculty: Some say that Nasredin lived in the time of the great conqueror Tamerlane, and was one of his advisers.

5. One day, so goes the tale, Timur the Lame called the Mullah and said: 'Nasredin, the Empire is full of slanderers. How can we stop their evil work?' 'You can never stop crime unless you punish all the criminals,' said Nasredin. 'You mean the slanderers?' 'And their accomplices - those who listen to them,' the Mullah reminded him

6. One day Nasredin went on a journey, his steps taking him across a dangerous, bandit-infested valley. He carried, for protection, a gun in one hand and a sword in the other. Half-way across the valley, a robber stopped him, went through his pockets and ran off with his valuables. 'Ah,' said Mullah Nasredin, 'If I hadn't had my hands full, the fellow would never have got away with it.'

7. Mulla Nasrudin, when on a visit to Damascus, received a letter from a merchant in his town, asking him to bring back some silk and perfume. He forgot all about it. Arrived home, he saw the merchant in the street and cried out, 'I could not bring back the things you wanted: your letter did not arrive... 

8. A thief went into Nasrudin's house and carried away almost all the possessions of the Mullah to his own home. Nasrudin had been watching from the street. After a few minutes Nasrudin took up a blanket,
followed him, went into his house, lay down, and pretended to go to sleep. The thief asked Mullah, "Who are you, and what are you doing here?" Mullah replied, "Well, we were moving house, were we not?"

9. "Why are you sitting at the crossroad, Mullah?" "One day something will happen here, and a crowd will gather. When that comes about, I may not be able to get close enough-so I'm putting in my time now."  'What are you doing in that tree, Mullah?' 'Looking for eggs'' But those are last year's nests!' 'Well, if you were a bird, and wanted a safe place to lay, would you build a new nest, with everyone watching?' 

10. Nasrudin was riding along one day when his donkey took fright at something in its path and started to bolt. As he sped past them at an unaccustomed pace some countrymen called out: 'Where are you going,O
Nasrudin, so fast?' 'Mullah shouted, 'don't ask me, ask my donkey!"
'You may have lost you donkey, Mullah, but you don't have to grieve over it more than you did about the loss of your first wife.'

11. The Mullah's neighbour wanted to borrow his cloth-line. Nasrudin said 'Sorry, I'm using it'. Drying flour!' The neighbour said, 'How on earth can you dry flour on a clothes-line?' Mullah replied, 'It is less difficult than you think when you do not want to lend it.' 

12. 'When I die', said Nasrudin, 'have me buried in an old grave.' Why?' Asked his relatives. 'Because when Munkir and Nakir, recording angels of good and bad actions, come, I'll be able to wave them on, saying that this grave has been counted and entered for punishment already.' 

13. Nasrudin bought a large number of eggs and at once sold them at a lower price than he bought them. When asked why he did it he said: "Surely you don't want me to be called a profiteer?"  Mullah Nasrudin surprised the building of his own tomb. At last,  after one shortcoming after another had been righted, the mason came for his money. 'It is not right yet builder.'  'Whatever more can be done with it?' 'We still have to supply the body.' 

14. The Mullah went to see a rich man. 'Give me some money.' 'Why?' 'I want to buy ... an elephant.' If you have no money, you can't afford to keep an elephant.' 'I came here', said Nasrudin, 'to get money, no
advice.'  'What is truth?' a disciple asked Nasrudin. 'Something which I have never, at any time, spoken-nor shall I.'

15.
Mulla Nasrudin's young wife, recently returned from her honeymoon, was complaining to her friend about her husband's drinking habits. "If you knew he drank, why did you marry him?" her friend asked. "I DID NOT KNOW HE DRANK," said Nasrudin's wife, "UNTIL ONE NIGHT HE CAME HOME SOBER."

16.
Mulla Nasrudin, who had just passed his test for his first-aid certificate, was on his way home. Suddenly, he saw a man lying face down in the street. Without a second thought, he threw himself upon the man and began applying artificial respiration. After a while, the man raised his head and said, "SIR, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TRYING TO DO, BUT I AM TRYING TO FISH A WIRE DOWN THIS MANHOLE."

17.
Mulla Nasrudin was drunk and at a football game was making such a nuisance of himself that the people around him threatened to call the police if he didn't sit down and shut up. At that he shouted, "show me a policeman, and I will show you a dope." The words were no sooner spoken when a big six-foot policeman arrived on the scene and said: "I am a policeman." "WONDERFUL!" said Nasrudin. "I AM A DOPE!"

18.
The lady contributed to Mulla Nasrudin on crutches, but could not resist the temptation to preach to him. "It must be terrible to be lame," she said, "but think how much worse it is to be blind." "That's right, Lady," said the Mulla. "WHEN I WAS BLIND, PEOPLE KEPT PASSING COUNTERFEIT MONEY OFF ON ME."

19.
The young father was pushing the crying baby down the street with what appeared to be absolute calm and self-assurance. People on the street could hear what he was saying as he passed. "Take it easy, Nasrudin," he said. "Don't let it get you down, Nasrudin, you will soon be safe back home. Things will be all right, Nasrudin, if you just keep calm." One motherly type woman waiting for a bus, heard and saw the young father and said to him, "I think you are wonderful the way you are taking care of the baby." Then she leaned over to the baby and said, "Now, don't cry, Nasrudin, everything is going to be all right." "LADY," said the father, "YOU HAVE GOT IT ALL WRONG. HIS NAME IS TOMMY -- I AM NASRUDIN."

20.
"I don't guess I have anything to complain about," said the mussed up young man, Mulla Nasrudin, as he listened to another mussed up young man describe his ejection from a dance hall. "They treated me all right." "What do you mean, treated you all right," said the other young man. "They threw you out, didn't they?" "Yes," said Nasrudin, "They threw me out the back door, but when I told the bouncer that my family was in the social register, he picked me up gently, brushed me off, and escorted me back into the dance hall. THEN HE THREW ME OUT THE FRONT DOOR."

21.
"You don't love me any more," said Mulla Nasrudin's wife through her tears. "When you see me crying, you never ask why." "I am sorry, Darling," said Nasrudin, "BUT THAT SORT OF QUESTION HAS ALREADY COST ME AN AWFUL LOT OF MONEY."

22.
The hay wagon had upset in the road and the young driver, Mulla Nasrudin, was terribly worried about it. A kindhearted farmer told the young fellow to forget his troubles and come in and have some supper with his family. "Then we will straighten up the wagon," the farmer said. The Mulla said he didn't think his father would like it. "Oh, don't worry about that," said the farmer. "Everything will be all right." So Nasrudin stayed for supper. Afterwards he said he felt better and thanked the farmer. "But," he said, "I still don't think my father will like it." "Forget it," said the farmer. "By the way," he added, "Where is your father?" "He's under the hay!" said Nasrudin.

23.
Mulla Nasrudin was getting ready to apply to a local department store for a job. A friend told him that it was the policy of the store to hire nobody but Catholic Christians, and that if he wanted a job there, he would have to lie about being a Catholic Christian. Nasrudin applied for the job and the personnel man asked him the usual questions. Then he said to the Mulla, "And what church do you belong to?" "I am a Catholic," said Nasrudin. "And all my family are Catholics. IN FACT, MY FATHER IS A PRIEST AND MY MOTHER IS A NUN, SIR."

24.
Mulla Nasrudin was applying for a job. "Does the company pay for my hospitalization?" he asked. "No, you pay for it," the personnel director said. "We take it out of your salary each month." "The last place I worked, they paid for it," said the Mulla. "That's unusual," the personnel man said. "How much vacation did you get?" "Six weeks," replied the Mulla. "Did you get a bonus?" the personnel man asked. "Yes," said the Mulla. "Not only that, they gave us an annual bonus, sent us a turkey on Thanksgiving, gave us the use of a company car and threw a big barbecue for us each year." "Why did you leave?" asked the personnel director. "THEY WENT BUSTED," said Nasrudin.

25.
Mulla Nasrudin got on a double-decker bus and climbed to the upper deck. A few minutes later, he staggered down the steps, muttering to himself. "Is anything the matter?" asked the driver. "IT AIN'T SAFE UP THERE," said Nasrudin. "NO DRIVER."

26.
Mulla Nasrudin and his wife were arguing. "I was a fool when I married you," said the wife. "I GUESS YOU WERE," replied Nasrudin, "BUT I WAS SO INFATUATED AT THE TIME, I DIDN'T NOTICE IT."

27.
The town's richest man had died. The next morning, another rich, and particularly miserly, old man said to Mulla Nasrudin, "I wonder how much he left." Mulla Nasrudin laughed and said, "EVERY CENT OF IT, SIR."

28.
Mulla Nasrudin used to say: "Every man should have at least one wife, because there are somethings that just can't be blamed on the government."

29.
Mulla Nasrudin had just checked into the hotel. "Welcome," said the clerk at the desk. "We want you to know you are welcome. We are going to do everything we can to make you comfortable and help you to feel at home." "PLEASE DON'T," said the Mulla. "I LEFT HOME SO I COULD FIND A CHANGE. FOR THE NEXT FEW DAYS I WANT TO FEEL AS IF I AM AT A BEACH RESORT."

30.
The lady said to Mulla Nasrudin at the door, "Have you ever been offered work?" "Only once Lady," said Nasrudin. "Aside from that, I HAVE MET WITH NOTHING BUT KINDNESS."

31.
The judge was questioning Mulla Nasrudin. "I understand that your wife is scared to death of you," he said. "That's right, your Honor," said the Mulla. The judge leaned over and whispered in his ear, "Man to man," he said, "HOW DO YOU DO IT?"

32.
The man said to Mulla Nasrudin on the street who had asked him for a handout, "You would stand more chance of getting a job if you would shave and clean yourself up." "Yes, Sir," the Mulla said. "I FOUND THAT OUT YEARS AGO."

33.
Mulla Nasrudin reported to the superintendent of the mental hospital and asked: "Have any of your male patients escaped lately?" "Why do you ask? said the superintendent. "BECAUSE, " said the Mulla, "SOMEONE HAS RUN OFF WITH MY WIFE."

34.
Mulla Nasrudin was chatting with his master who had taken up art. "When I look at one of your paintings, Sir," he said, "all I can do is stand and wonder." "Wonder how I do it?" asked the master. "No," said Nasrudin. "WHY YOU DO IT."

35.
Mulla Nasrudin approached a genteel-appearing, elderly man with his tale of woe and a request for assistance. The old gentleman refused him, saying, "I am sorry, my friend, I have no money, but I can give you some good advice." The Mulla said in a disgusted tone, "No thanks, IF YOU AIN'T GOT NO MONEY, I DON'T GUESS YOUR ADVICE IS WORTH ANYTHING, SIR."

36.
A man said to his friend Mulla Nasrudin: "Who is the boss in your house?" "Well," said Nasrudin, "my wife assumes command of the children, the servants, the dog and the parakeet. BUT I SAY PRETTY MUCH WHAT I PLEASE TO THE GOLDFISH."

37.
A young man had just passed his examination for his private pilot's license. He wanted to show off and persuaded the Mulla Nasrudin to go up with him. When they landed, the Mulla said: "Thanks for the two rides." "What do you mean,two rides, Uncle?" asked the young man. "You had only one." "Oh no," said Nasrudin. "TWO. MY FIRST AND MY LAST."

38.
Mulla Nasrudin was lying beside the wrecked car with a broken leg. He was being questioned by the highway patrolman. "Married?" asked the patrolman. "NO," said Nasrudin. "THIS IS THE WORST MESS I HAVE EVER BEEN IN."

39.
The housewife gave Mulla Nasrudin a sandwich, but asked him, "Haven't you been able to find work?" "Yes, Lady, there is plenty of work," said the Mulla, "but everybody wants a reference from my last employer." "Can't you get one?" she asked. "NO," said Nasrudin. "HE HAS BEEN DEAD TWENTY YEARS."

40.
"What in the world happened at the picnic yesterday?" a fellow asked Mulla Nasrudin. "They are saying around the tavern that you acted like a coward." "Well, I am no fool," the Mulla said. "Some of the girls found a big hornet's nest in the top of a tree and dared me to climb up and get it. And I just didn't do it, that's all." "Whether you were smart or not," said the friend, "That sort of thing makes you unhonored and unsung around here." "THAT'S RIGHT," said Nasrudin, "BUT I AM ALSO UNHARMED AND UNSTUNG."

41.
Mulla Nasrudin's wife said to him at a buffet supper: "That's the fifth time you have gone back for more fried chicken. Doesn't it embarrass you?" "NOT AT ALL," he said. "I KEEP TELLING THEM I AM GETTING IT FOR YOU."

42.
Mulla Nasrudin came up and shook hands with the future bridegroom. "Congratulations, friend," he said, "on this, one of the happiest days of your life." "But I am not getting married until tomorrow," said the future bridegroom. "I KNOW," said the Mulla. "THAT'S WHAT MAKES THIS ONE OF YOUR HAPPIEST DAYS."

43.
Mulla Nasrudin and his wife were gossiping about the recent wedding scandal. "Just think," said the wife, "it was just as the bride was coming down the aisle that the groom suddenly turned and ran from the church and skipped town. I guess he lost his nerve." "OH, I DON'T THINK SO," said the Mulla. "I FIGURE HE FOUND IT."

44.
"Daddy, Daddy," the girl cried. "Mummy has just fallen off the roof!" "I KNOW, DEAR," said Mulla Nasrudin. "I SAW HER PASS THE WINDOW."

45.
The election was being challenged by the defeated candidate, Mulla Nasrudin. "I know it was crooked," said the Mulla. "A FRIEND OF MINE VOTED FOR ME FIFTEEN TIMES IN THE THIRD PRECINCT AND I DIDN'T GET BUT FOUR VOTES THERE."

46.
The rival political candidates were scheduled to speak at the county fair on the same program. Mulla Nasrudin was chosen to introduce them. He arose and said, "I want to present to you a man who, above anyone, has the welfare of each and everyone of you at heart. More than anyone I know, he is devoted to our great and glorious nation." Then he turned to the candidates and asked, "WHICH OF YOU FELLOWS WANTS TO TALK FIRST?"

47.
Mulla Nasrudin was complaining about the slowness of the bus to the driver. After he couldn't stand the complaining any longer, the driver said, "If you don't like it, why don't you get out and walk?" "I WOULD," said the Mulla, "BUT MY WIFE IS GOING TO MEET ME AND SHE DOESN'T EXPECT ME UNTIL THIS BUS GETS THERE."

48.
The new man in town told Mulla Nasrudin, "I have come out here to make an honest living." "WELL," said the Mulla, "THERE'S NOT MUCH COMPETITION."

49.
Mulla Nasrudin rushed into a bar and said breathlessly, "The usual, please, and hurry, I gotta catch my train." The bartender set up five martinis in a row and the Mulla gulped the second, third and fourth, leaving the first and last drinks on the bar. Then he rushed out as rapidly as he had entered. A bystander asked the bartender why the customer left the two drinks. "Oh, he does that all the time," said the bartender. "He says THE FIRST ONE ALWAYS TASTES TERRIBLE AND THE LAST ONE GETS HIM IN TROUBLE AT HOME."

50.
Mulla Nasrudin was complaining about his wife to a friend. "I don't know what I am going to do about her," he said. "She has the worst memory in the world." "You mean she forgets everything?" asked his friend. "HECK, NO," said Nasrudin. "SHE REMEMBERS EVERYTHING."