I am the KING!
"This bread I eat. This oath I swear
As I enflame myself with prayer
There is no grace; there is no guilt;
this is the law: do what thou wilt!"
LIBER LXXVII
"the law of the strong: this is our law and the joy of the world." - (AL II, 21)
"Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law." - (AL I, 40)
"thou hast no right but to do thy will. Do that, and no other shall say nay." - (AL I, 42-3)
"Every man and every woman is a star." - (AL I, 3)
There is no god but man
1. Man has the right to live by his own law -
to live in the way that he wills to do
to work as he will:
to play as he will:
to rest as he will:
to die when and how he will:
2. Man has the right to eat what he will:
to drink what he will:
to dwell where he will:
to move as he will on the face on the earth.
3. Man has the right to think what he will:
to speak what he will:
to write what he will:
to draw, paint, carve, etch, mould, build as he will:
to dress as he will.
4. Man has the right to love as he will: -
"take your fill and will of love as ye will, when, where, and with whom ye will." - (AL I, 51)
5. Man has the right to kill those who would thwart these rights.
"the slaves shall serve." - (AL II, 58)
"Love is the law, love under will." - (AL I, 57)
SA†AN
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C
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LUCIFER*R*JEHOVAH
I
S
T
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SA†AN
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DIARYBOOK
Saturday, the 03rd February 2001
„Sad but true!“ Today should be a meeting with my girlfriend NV. She said no. I don't know why. May be that I'm to stupid to see my own errors. I don't like myself. It could be so a nice day but now. I go at this day in the city to riot. I bugle in an empty house in and have there some fun. The car in the near garage destroys I also. It was like a dope as I kicked the lights in and slit the seats. I bugle also the trunk. This was empty. After two hour go I home. I riot a house and a VW Passat coupe. I had my own damned fun. It's the last resort where I'm the King. The "KING NOTHING"!!!
Sunday, the 04th March 2001
„No more lies!“ I take today a bike tour with my racing bike. I love it. The speed was great. I race with 35 miles per hour a hill down. It was wonderful. I hear how the wheels roll on the street. I think about me and NV. I would give all up to come with her together. ... but it’s impossible. She would be never come to Pirna, to me and my parent wouldn’t drive me to her every month. I start to feel bad. I had lie at her. Lie at a girl. Lie at my dream girl. Lie at a foreigner. Lie at NV! I feel so bad that I want to take the suicide. I said always that we can come together but in our relation is it nearly impossible. I start to weep. I drive in the middle of the major road under the hope that a car would ram me. I don’t want to hang up or thinks like theses. I have fear that NV would know it and would be sad. That’s what I never want. I want it that it looks after a bad traffic accident. I want to die!
Saturday, the 10th March 2001
„One man's fun is another's hell!“ My girlfriend finished our relation. I get today her letter. She is to good for me and she have earned someone, who is better as I. I'm to bad for a love. If I had a gun, would I shot myself. It would be the best. Damn it! What was it?! I'm guilty! But what? Oh my god, I'm a damned fool. Why??? Dead to this damned world! I go today riot an old house. I kicked very much doors in. Smash all windows. Destroy the WC. Throw the chairs through the house. Break the lights and the roof top. Riot two cars which stand in the backyard. After this three hours feel I much better. I make bad jokes and laugh. I don't care damn at all. I want just to have some fun. I try to kill myself by an electric shock. I know that the house has sill electric power on the main fuse box. I go to they and smash the case in. I put my steel bat on the electric contacts from the fuse box. I see than a little yellow-blue flash and after this all go very fast. I fly than around two meters back and break down. I don't know really what was happen than. I stand up and look around. My legs was shaking to much. I must sit down again. I heard nothing. My lug feels very little. I feel cold sweat on my neck. I thimble at the whole body. I get than sick. I raise my steel bat and watch these. I see the two contacts on him. After a half hour was I ready to turn on with rioting. Than bugle I in a castle in and riot there also a little bit but not so hard like in the first place. The shock was to deep.
Sunday, the 11th March 2001
„I was born for dying!“ Today was my biggest wish to die. I take my racing bike and drive with tears amok. I ram cars and try to have an accident with the train. At the end of this mad drive, at home in my bed, cry I oneself to sleep. Why?
Friday, the 13th June 2002
„A sad day.” I get today a sad E-mail of my friend NW. He writes me an extortion. He wants that I send him some photos about a classmate. I speak to her about that and she said she doesn’t know him. I decide to send no photos about her to NW. He gets angry and writes me in this E-mail. “I should send the photos about she to him or I will lose his as friend.” I kick him out of my cycle of friends.
Sunday, the 24th June 2001
„New blood joins this earth!“ I have it finish. My second school is over now. This is the last day, the graduation ball. I have now no friends in this damned country anymore. FIXXXER and BP come to pick up me to a little walk trough the South Part. I go with they. As I came out of my house on the backyard, seat there a Nazi on a beer case and talk to my neighbor. As he sees me started he to call me "Jew-pig" and lots of thinks like theses. I called him "Fascho" and that he should peacefully. The fascists stands up and give his cigarette to my neighbor. Than he start to smash my face in. Now I have a blue eye, a big headache, some contusion and such a toothache in my left upper jaw, that it's painful for me to eat soft fish. Three of my "best" friends stand around the Nazi and do nothing. Real nothing! I break down in this fight because I haven’t hit back.. I beat never back.. I want to be a pacifist. As I wanna call with my "friends" the police, say all "I, why I? I've seen nothing! Go alone to the fucking police! ..." and so on. You should see my face after this. It was a mix from blue and red. I want to have true friends. The graduation ball was very boring. I want to talk to ZS. I want to invite she to a bike tour on the river Elbe until the town Königstein.
Tuesday, the 20th November 2001
„You are to late, to late!“ As I go in the early morning to the Station, came the freight train after Ustí nad Lablem. I was to late. I want to put my neck on the railroad before this freight train comes. I'm to stupid to finish with this damned life.
Thursday, the 29th November 2001
„Nothing is hide!“ Today, I had some trouble on work with a worker and I wasn't guilty. He offends me very hard. I should pick up a green and a red band. But I have an illness. If these colors aren't strong enough than I can't see they. And these color see I just as a gray. I search and search and search. I go back to the worker and want to tell him, that there no one. He screams at me how stupid I am and he show me the bands which I have seen as gray. I ask him what it on these bands red and green. He shows me (with very much fantasy can I see this). I tell him that this is for me gray and the tell me that I'm a fool! I was very nearly my tear. Such things are there normal. All tell me that I'm a fool. He's absolutely right. I'm a stupid Bustard.
Sunday, the 02nd December 2001
„To live is to die!“ I don't want to stay alive. I want to push the exit bottom and escape from this god damned hell. I think that the most people which know me will agree with it. Some would be happy if I'm dead. I have now a big headache, the sniffles and I cry. What have I to louse? Nothing! I have lost my smile, my taste in food, my concentration, my suggestion, my (girl)friend, ... all! I'll cut now my artery, good bye.
Monday, the 03rd December 2001
„I lost my way, on this bloody day!“ Damn it! I'm alive. I hate me. All what I do goes wrong. The pain was to much, so felt I with tears in sleep. I'm a fool! I wish, I would be three feet under earth. I have no hope to be normal (again). I'm ready to die. It's horrible! Normally I love to go to school. But my classmates are very bad. I'm in a class with just boys. That's terrible. Today had I very much to do that nobody sees that I cry. I was very, very sad. Firstly they shot with rests from oranges after me. Some time later. My classmates shot with paper-staple after me. They hit me on my head and on my neck. I want to go to the school psychologist to speak with him about these problems. As the school psychologist came in the classroom (every school psychologist is also a teacher), ask I him after a little please. He gives me than a fool answer on this. That was to much. I put my eyes on my arms on the table and cry. My biggest wish was than to be alone for crying. I want to stand up and go on the WC but all other would feel that I'm sad. Now, I don't want to go to him. I have fear of him that he hurt me. The pupil clean his dirty shoe with my new NIKE jacket. I had big problems to stay under control. I tell him, if he does this again, I will kick his ass until Alaska! I have a big fear of my own. If I get than mad ... I don't know what is than happen. As I go than to the station to go by train home. I had talk before with some classmates and they say that I should go into the concentration camp. I tell they that I go now to catch my train and they say that I should jump before the front of the train. I want to do it.
Tuesday, the 04th December 2001
„The young boy learns their rules!“ This was a damned day. All starts peacefully. All was good until the start of the first lesson. My classmates lock up me in the locker room because I wait for a classmate to deal with Russian music. They barricade the door from the chancing room after the first locker room and they lock the door to the flour with the key. Than they switch the light off. In these rooms weren’t some windows. I tell they, that they should open because the sport lesson starts but they go away. I get after a time mad. I kicked the first door with the barricade in and push the door handle so hard that they were nearly broken. Than I scream that someone should open the door. As no one give an answer, started I to kick this door too. But I had good luck. The classmate with the Russian music came and opens up. I was very angry. In the second lesson of the two sports lesson starts again trouble. I stand near some punks and watch how they play table tennis. At the end see I how one of they steal the table tennis ball. I don't care a damn to this. As I was again in the locker room, came the teacher to me and wants the ball back. I tell her that I haven’t the damned ball and she tells me that the classmate (who steal the ball really) sees me. I get again angry. That was not fair. Than barricaded again some classmates the door. I get nearly mad. I see red. Some lessons later. I read a book in the pause. Some minutes later started my classmates to throw with banana skins. They hit me on my new pullover. I don't know in this situation if I should start to cry or throw my chair through the room. After a short consider go I out of the room. As I came with the teacher in and sit down, open I my pen case. There was one banana skin inside. I throw they away. Than open I my school bag and there was also a banana skin inside. I get mad. I look on my jacket and they were again dirty from my classmates shoes. I turn to this. classmate and throw the banana skin in his damned face. I tell him, if he would throw it back to me, he would "rest in pieces". He didn't listen to me. I stand up and beat him so hard in his face, that my right hand break. Than come the usually part. A talk with headmaster of the school and so on. I'm a damned fool.
Thursday, the 07th December 2001
„The Armageddon is near!“ I was today by my boss of the factory, where I work. He was very, very angry with me. He likes to fire me and he search now after more backgrounds. In his office started I to cry. It was all to much for me. I know just one thing. If I get fired, do I again the suicide.
Sunday, the 09th December 2001
„Follow the god that failed!“ I had a very hard row with my father. He took the keyboard of my Computer. Why?! I don't really know it. I think, that he get mad because I seat the whole day on my Computer and write E-mails. He beat me and my mother. I get than also mad and beat him back. I kicked him, beat him with my broken hand and so on. If I had an enough time to catch my knife, would I kill him. I would push it again and again in his body until he would break down.
Saturday, the 29th December 2001
„Spreading terrorism through the music!“ I want to smash this world like the planes smash the pentagon. I want to run with a burning flag, with thirty kilogram TNT on my body trough the crowed streets of the city and scream “Dead to this damned world!”. Than want I to push a key and explode. No, I’m not so crazy. I don’t want to die on this way. If I die, than alone and quite. Nobody should know that I’m dead than. I have just a problem. It’s called society and politics. I have my own theories about some things. For example destroyed a secret service of the USA the world trade center. I can understand the Terrorists They have nothing to loose and they hope on a better life in heaven or that they have change something with their reaction.
Monday, the 31st December 2001
„Now it’s time to die!“ My life is fully out of order. It’s so primitive like in a prison. I stand up and switch my computer on. Than seat I the whole day before this engine and write E-mails or play stupid games. I leave it just to eat a little bit. I eat not so much like some time before. I get more and more slim. I never go out because I have fear to come into a fight with Fascists. From a dark and unknown part of my brain come ideas to the suicide. How I can fast and painless die but I don’t want to think about this stuff. I’m hungry and tired. The clock stand on 00:38 A.M. ... I need help. Just HELP! Someone who love all of me, who makes my lucky and I can do the same to her. I need a girlfriend but I have stop to search a nice girl. All girls, where is a love possible think bad of me or they’re some others between us. I’m unable for a relation. Which girl likes a boy which is very often in danger of suicide?! I’m blind in the matter girls. I’m a bloody bustard. I have never kiss a girl and I getting 18 years old. I hope that nobody will know that. I’m not normal. I’m sick and tired from being lonely. The best would be if I hang up myself in some time to finish this drama. It’s now 00:54 A.M. and I want now to sleep. I hope that I will never weak up again. That is my biggest wish. At the next afternoon, would it be better if I'm would be dead. ... I had today a nervous breakdown. It starts not very unusually. I had a row with my mother. I should wash my hair but I want to do it later. She seat than on the chair where my presents lies. I get angry. Than switch she the power from the fuse box of. I slam than the door of my room that she didn’t came in. She come than with my father in and sits down on my presents. She tells me that she have enough time. I get than mad and throw the keyboard of my hi-fi system on the wall. She ashamed me and I get fully out of control. I kicked my chair and kicked my cupboard of my table fully in. I started to cry. As I see that my mother laugh about me, start I to run to the door. I want to escape and to take the suicide. I was to slowly. She stands herself before the door. I cry more and star to riot the floor. My father tell me if I destroy something from the floor, will he beat me so long that I must go into hospital. I run back into my room and sit down on the ground and cry. I cry nearly one hour. I can’t stop. I cry, cry and cry. I can’t stop. I don’t know how long I do this. After a long time look I around and what I see bring me again to crying. I destroy fully my table and my chair. Everywhere lies parts of my table. I start again to cry. After some time tells me my mother if I wouldn’t stop to cry would send she me into the booby hatch. I can’t stop. I try to take the suicide. I take my knife and want to cut my arms. I try it 13 times but my skin was to strong. The blood runs a little bit. The best was that the pain took the sadness away. As I cut into my arm feel I not sad and I didn’t cry. The knife wasn’t sharp enough, so was the cut not deep enough to die. I cry a very long time. Than comes my mother in and I throw this knife after her. I haven’t hit she. The knife fly against my chair. My mother brings me than some glasses with mineral water. After some time stop I to cry. I was still very sad and the tears run from my head. I listen than to fun punk. That makes a little bit better. I take a shower and wash my hair. I take than two floppy disk and some German punk rock and drive with the car and my parents to a friend from my father. We want to stay over night there. After some time was we at our finish, in Dresden. I meet here Martin. He is a pupil of the eighth form and can be sometimes very nerves me. But so is he a little, crazy, puppetry boy. At the year changes into a new send we some rockets into the sky. It was for a moment exiting. But this was all on these bad day. It was cold and the wind blows snow into my face. It was very loud. I was not very happy. I can't laugh. It’s now 02:11 A.M. and I’m very tired. I think that I should sleep now. I get to bed around 03:30 A.M. and sleep until 10:00 A.M. very deep. But this is the next day. ...
Tuesday, the 01st January 2002
„If I die before I wake?!“ Today stars a new year. I haven't any special wishes. I want to finish my life. This is not exiting, interesting, or something else. It's just a horror. I want to run away but I haven't the power to do this. All people have some fun but I not. They can laugh until me. God, if you where there than kill me! Send me to Satan!
Saturday, the 05th January 2002
„Black or white?!“ I try today to put away the sadness. I took my knife and cut my arm. Seven times. The blood runs. The pain is wonderful. The pain from this took all the sadness away. I feel normal or perhaps also lucky. No, in the reality I'm sad because I can't see the nice things of my life (if there are some). I want to hang up myself tomorrow. This is the best what I can do. I write this to Vendula in an E-mail. She go than in the Internet chat side “Seznamka” and say that I shouldn’t take the suicide. I was very angry on her because this says all but nobody have an other solution. A better way of getting lucky. I talking in an other chat about suicide but my mother come in and switch my computer of. ... The gain goes slowly away and the sadness came back. I NEED HELP!!! HELP MY SOUL!!! HELP ME!!! ... God, fuck you! Bustard! You want to be the pride of the world? Fuck you! If you where alive, I would kill you! You took pain to all. You aren’t a god. You are a KILLER! I want to see you churches in fire! Motherfucking Jesus! ... Tomorrow or better today will I try to stay alive. It’s now 01:04 A.M. and I go to bed. At Monday will I go to the psychologist, to make a short date. Help me, I get mad!!!
Sunday, the 06th January 2002
„The thing that should not be!“ I try the suicide today afternoon but I haven’t finished it. I had an accident as I try to jump in a 15 meters deep valley. I beak in snow in and fall nearly down. I can save myself and I cry. I see real now way. I don’t know where is front and back. I see no clear. I walk than trough the snow. My feet’s was cold from the snow. All looks gray and bad. I walked until the night through the field and think about the death. I hate me!
Wednesday, the 09th January 2002
“Find me guilty!“ I will now describe a normal day in my damned life. I awake at 07:00 A.M. and look with my tired eyes around me. I go to the computer and switch it on. I go than in the kitchen to catch a drink. I look than after some E-mail. I find three. I read they. Than go I on the WC and consider about the E-mails. Than answer I on they until 01:00 P.M. and switch the computer off. I eat a little pizza and watch TV. One hour later seat I again in front of my computer and write. I write, write and write. I feel the pain in my eyes at the evening. I eat then a little bit and start after this again to continue to write. I can’t look on the Monitor. All feels with pain. That’s not a life. I must finish this. I must escape from this world.
Monday, the 14th January 2002
„So the only thing that I recycle is your girlfriend!“ Today goes nearly all wrong. It is my first day on work since I broke my right hand. It was a damned cold and snowy Monday morning. I haven’t sleep so much and I was very tired. It starts all in the early morning. I go, like every day if I work in the factory, to the time clock. I look in my purse and see that my clocking-in card wasn’t there. I get exiting. I think that I loose they and my boss would get angry. I can’t do also no overtime but I need the money to pay the telephone bill. I say nothing and look after my working dress. We get new clothes. They are now green and not blue like the old. Than go I to the master. I ask him after something to do. He sends me in the outdoor. I should put away the snow from the backyard. I wear all of my working dress but it wasn’t enough to stay warm. My fingers get frozen an at all. I do this five hours long. That wasn’t a funny job. Than tell I the master that I have still an old working dress. He asks me than if I’m crazy because we should give up the old. I tell him „Normally not!“ and that I was at this time ill and stay so at home. Than he shut up and go away.
Thursday, the 24th January 2002
„Every day, well it’s the same!“ I had today very much trouble. I get mark six two times in one lesson, trouble with four teachers and I see that the psychologist can’t help me. That was very bad. Now how all starts. I forget a drawing in the second school lesson and I get mark six. I must repeat today also a test in this lesson but I have a date by the psychologist. So I can’t write the test. I get again mark six for this. I was so sad that I cry. Next lesson, next trouble. This one had I trouble because I was to tired to write something down. Than get I trouble because I haven’t written my name under a Test but I have done this. It was in mathematics. He wants to give me mark six. I show him my name on the test but he said that he can’t read it. No, he doesn’t want to read it. He wants to bull a pupil. I hate him. And after the last lesson must I repeat the test in German but I haven’t again the same chances like the other pupils. That was not fair. Than was I by the psychologist. We talk about my father. He say that I should try stay so on. After a half hour give he me a new date. He asks me every time if I like to see him again in six weeks or earlier. Sure, I want to get health. So say I always that I want to meet him earlier. It has no future. I’m earlier dead than health. That is the problem. I don’t know how long I can stay so on. I want to ask him after medicine because Zedenicka tells me that this are no drugs and they will help me to feel a little bit better. It goes wrong like the rest of my life. As I want to tell it him rings the phone and after this call change he the talk. So get I no medicine and a new date in the middle of February 2002.
Saturday, the 26th January 2002
“God send us death!” The death is for me the best thing what could be happens to me. How the death looks?! Perhaps like Mr. Mandson. I don’t know. I wasn’t there but I will go perhaps in some time. I will send to all of my friends an E-mail if I’m death. ... But I’m now alive. Not so much and good but I’m alive. I know that I would die of age. I don’t want that too. I want to say “Here is the end of my life”. Now I’m a little bit nice to my life. I haven’t cut my arms and so on.
Sunday, the 27th January 2002
„It’s time to leave, to steal away!“ I want to start to fight since this weekend. There think I about the death very long. I go to the quarry where I try to jump into the death. I look where I wanted to jump and look in the ground. I would fly over ten meters down on some old, hard, cold stones into the snow. (The snow is now away!) I don’t know if it would be good or bad if I’m three feet under ground. I think now that this reaction would be bad. No, not for me. For you and the people which like me. My best letter-friends. Much of these people know some of my problems and want to help me. Some have the same problems like I. Some try the suicide too. Some want to follow me in the dead. I hope that you will never do this.
Monday, the 28th January 2002
„Thank you mom and dad for this fucking world, to the be I am!“ I learn now every evening over a half hour for school. I read in my books about the last lesson. I write in my in every lesson in my file and do this in a clear writing. I listen to the teacher and try to work with him. I want to be one of the best pupils and this isn’t so difficult for me. I get today stress with my father. I should clean my shoes but I want to do it in the late afternoon. My father came after a short time in and put the dirty shoes on my table. He sends me than in the cold rainy outdoors. I do it a little bit because it was so dark there. I came again in and my father looked at my shoes. Than starts he to scream at me and ashamed me hard. He called me „stupid motherfucker“ and things like theses. He sends me again in the outdoor. Than cry I and want to cut my legs but Jani wouldn’t agree with this. I haven’t done this, like I promise it to her. On my arm can you see still the seven old scars as red lines from the old cuts. They must be very deep. At the evening take I about ten photos from the school planetarium about the moon. It was a very windy day and I had big problems to do this.
Wednesday, the 30th January 2002
„Cool to hate!“ I thought today about the death. I stand on the station and think about the death and the life. Jump or stay? That was the matter. I do this two times today. Dead or alive? I do at a train pass me. I haven’t done this. I don’t know why but I can’t do this. Why? I’m to stupid? Have I louse so much from my brain at the nervous breakdown? I’m a fool? I’m an ugly stupid motherfucker? I am wrong? I’m alive? I’m bad? What is up with me??
Saturday, the 02nd February 2002
„I hate me!” I have again some big problems with myself. It exist just one person on the whole world which I hate so much that I’m ready to kill they. This person is none else I. Yes, I hate me for every error which I take that I beat my own. I bite me with age seven in my arm, I smash with age 13 with a book my face in and with age 17 cut I my arm. What will comes next? My biggest wish is every day to die at an accident. That would be the best because I don’t want to live on. I have no power.
Monday, the 04th February 2002
„The six sense!” I want to describe here like I image the life after the suicide is. The other side looks like this side. There is just a little difference. I can do all what you want. I can walk for example though walls and so on. After some time will I find the Satan or the devil finds me and invites you into hell (or the god into the damned heaven). If there is a big heavy metal party and a soft coldness, than is it the hell. I just can’t imagine how the heaven looks and at all. I can’t describe it really. I know just that the other side must be some better as this side. It has to be better...
Tuesday, the 05th February 2002
„Hope or sadness?” I hate god because he took me in a place of dirt. I believe it. If I escape though suicide, I would can do a long time whatever I want. Every thought which came up to my mind became a short time later reality. I could do it so long until I have done what I have to do. I can talk to (alive) people when they sleep. I can go in their heads and show my matter as a dream. But if one person loves me, I can talk (if they is wake too) though their thoughts to they. If is a real big love can the person see you too. If I were a long time in the hell, could I return to the other side. I have to start than a new life as a baby or somebody who awakes from a long coma.
Wednesday, the 06th February 2002
„Kill your god, kill your TV!” I listen now very loud to Mr. Manson. He sings one of his “holy” songs. Now he screams “We hate love, we love hate! Fuck it!!!” to the audience. It is a live performance. I see it on TV and put the sound on my hi-fi system. I do it so loud that all neighbors can hear it. I love to do it. From this great concert. I love his ill sound. It takes me funny. “I know, it’s the last day on earth!”
Saturday, the 10th February 2002
„Rape me, my friend!“ In Germany try the Government to make the NPD illegal but the matter goes wrong. So are all Nazis happy like never before. I read it in the newspaper “STERN”. It makes me very angry and I like to kill very much Germans (like the RAF it done). I want to smash this land. Than get I again angry on my father. He is the same like shit for me. He’s a racist and against all foreigners. After a new hard trouble with me and him get he again out of control. He smashes the face of my mother in because she wants to protect me of him. It’s so bad. I thought that it was over now, but I thought wrong.
Sunday, the 10th March 2002
„I’ll catch the train.” The last two weeks was a big horror for me. I had very hard and deep depressions. I thought just to the suicide and how should I try it. I decide than to let kill me by a train in the early morning. I go on a railroad and wait for the 06:45 a.m. freight train. After a short time shines the light of this train in my face and I think “Come on and kill me!”. My heart trembles and I looked for the death. But ... the train drives than a curve and uses another railroad. That was very bad.
Monday, the 11th March 2002
„It have to start somewhere; it have to start sometime!” Don’t care about my political mind. This is just a hard protest against the society, from which I isolate me more and more. I had and have much more trouble with Nazis as you will ever have it in your life. Just some examples what they done to me. They called me Jew-pig, smash my face very often in, riot my new racing bike, ashamed NV as a bitch (just in account that we loves us). That they called Melly a bitch is the deepest hurt which I have got. The hurts are deep. To deep to forget they. To deep to forgive them. The hate is so strong that I will do all what I can do to kill all of they. Enough from this damned things. I don’t want to talk anymore about this because I don’t want to cry again.
Sunday, the 17th March 2002
„So wicked fly!!!” I had today a hard accident with my racing bike. I cruise a little bit along the river Labe in the valley. I listen to Russian music. Than comes a song with an E-guitar and I turn up the personal stereo. I stop the cruise and drive more faster. I give all what I can. Some pedestrians there jump away because I drive so dangerously. I love to do this. They scream than and say bad words. This gives me more hate to express it into speed. My high speed there is 30mp/h. Than was two groups with dogs on the street and use many space for each other. There was just one yard between they space to cross. I give speed to cross they. As I was between they push I hard the brake. I drive than with 20mp/h into a dog. It was very hard because the dog runs in the last moment into my front wheel. Than goes all very fast. I fly though the air and landed with my foots. The dog weeps and can’t walk. My bike looks terrible. I go than to the bike to watch it. Hopeless! That was just even a matter for the garage. The dog looks not much better. Than starts one of the owners of the dog to bulling me and I give her a fuck-sign. I was so angry that I could beat she bloody or dead. Than go the group away to call the police and to help the hurt dog. I work a little bit at the bike and drive (so good I can) away. My bike is now in the garage and wait there for the repairing for $300 but I have not so much money and the insurance will not pay.
Tuesday, the 14th May 2002
„It’s all from God!” I was at the last time very sad and try to commit suicide but I had bad luck. I cut very often my arms, legs and my stomach. I have stop this now and give all my knifes to Anesta. She should keep that until I have learned another way to handle with my emotions. So I haven’t cut myself since Thursday, the 02nd May 2002.
Saturday, the 01st June 2002
„I am the god of hell fire...” I heard for some time in the news very good news about Erfuhrt. There shot a pupil some teachers, pupils and a cop with a shotgun. I could absolutely understand him. I like to go also with a Kalashnikov M80A and some hand grenade into my school. I like than to kill all the persons which hurts me in all this time. If I have done this like I to kill all right-wingers. After this will I wait than for the police, to kill so much of they like I can. At last shot I myself and say ‘thank you’ to the world. I think that I will kill at this day around fifty human beings. I will be pound when I shot myself.
Saturday, the 13th July 2002
„Stay away!!!” I came today back from my three weeks long summer holiday. This one was very pretty cool. We were in Austria, near Salzburg. Our village has the name “Hintere Leiten” and lies above the small town “Schladmingen”. This all leis anywhere between Salzburg and Graz. The House was good and the country was so wonderful. Sometimes see we a stag near the house and a lot of horses. I take a lot of photos. I will buy now soon as soon a scanner, to send some of this photos to my letter friends. I go in the holiday also very often hiking, cycling and climbing. I will never forget the Dachstein south-route. I meet Andreas there and he takes a photo of me. Just like by the way. He accepts me like I am. It’s a pretty cool boy, which I meet at the start of the climbing wall. He was from Graz. He looks very sexy. At the last day rent I a mountain bike. I drive than to a refuge in the mountains. The difference in altitude was over 700 yard. 330 yard difference in altitude was concrete street and the rest was off road. It was very difficult but I take it. The best one was of course ... the down-hill drive. Now I am again at home and I feel boredom. Monday must I go again to my job education which I hate so much. It’s so terrible. I don’t want it. I’m tired; tired of the life. I don’t want to live this damned and painful life on. I have no power to change. Our travel was very hard and I was sad. We dive very long with the car and this is very terrible for me. My nerves are not the best every day but on this day were they very weak. I don’t know how long we go by car but it was very long for me. I looked a very long time for this day. I hoped that somebody write me an E-mail or things like theses. I wait manly for an E-mail of Anesta. We are good friends since April of this year. But since June get our relationship badly and baddish. I write a very important E-mail and I wait for her answer. As I was at home look I firstly at my E-mail sever. There was just a lot of publicity but now personal letters for me. I was so disappointed about this. I try than to call Anesta with the telephone but she was still in abroad. I was so sad about this. I thought than that nobody cares really about me. At the evening decide I to go in an Internet chat room. I look for somebody to speak about my problems. I speak with some until one ask me what was happen with me. I speak about all this shit in my life and I told him, that I don’t want to live anymore. He was shocked and tries to persuade me it not to do. I speak with him a long time but it doesn’t help me. I switch after two hours the Internet off and started to count how much pills of Fluoxetin have I. Around 10:00 p.m. came the fuzz to my house and ask me if I was in the Internet and told there thoughts of suicide. I get terrify. I say no and I know nothing about this. The fucking police excuse they for the late obstruction and go away. Than seat I on the sofa in the living room and start to watch TV. I watched a fully stupid action film on the TV. Around midnight ends the film on TV. I know it like it was just yesterday. I switch the TV off on seat than on the sofa. The room was very dark and no light was switched on. I look out of the big window on the wet street. I look how the rain fells down near a streetlamp. I was sad. I thought over my job education and the hard work. I had fear of it. I had a big fear to go back into the ordinary weekday. I had fear of the workmate which hurt me so much deep inside. I wanted never to get new hurts of they or other ones. Than think I to that people which I called “friends”. I don’t know how long but my grates wish was to get true friends. I think to friends which l lied at me or deceive me. The greatest was nobody else as my boyfriend Hannes. My best and largest boyfriend. I hated him for what he do with me but I can’t slip up with him because than hat I nobody. Those were my thoughts at this night. Than started I to think that the life is just bullshit and why I does this. I get than more and more into a vicious circle of suicide thoughts. ... I tri again to commit suicide. I eat a 36 overdose of Fluoxetin. This is a strong Antidepressiva. I go to bed and will try now to sleep...
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KING NOTHING
Wish I may Wish I might Have this I wish tonight Are you satisfied? Dig for gold Dig for fame You dig to make your name Are you pacified? - All the wants you waste All the things you've chased Then it all crashes down And you break your crown And you point your finger, but there's no one around Just want one thing Just to play the King But the castle's crumbled and you're left with just a name - Where's your crown, King Nothing? Where's your crown? - Hot and cold Bought and sold A heart as hard as gold Yeah, are you satisfied? Wish I might, Wish I may You wish your life away Are you pacified? - All the wants you waste All the things you've chased Then it all crashes down And you break your crown And you point your finger, but there's no one around Just want one thing Just to play the King But the castle's crumbled and you're left with just a name - Where's your crown, King Nothing? Where's your crown? - Huh! - "I wish I may, I wish I might Have this wish, I wish tonight I want that star, I want it now I want it all and I don't care how" - Care for what you wish Care for what you say Care for what you wish you may regret it Care for what you wish you just might get it - Then it all crashes down And you break your crown And you point your finger, but there's no one around Just want one thing Just to play the King But the castle's crumbled and you're left with just a name - Where's your crown, King Nothing? - Nothin' Oh, you're just nothing Where's your crown King Nothing? Oh, you're just nothing Absolutely nothing Off to never, never land (METALLICA)
"... but break, my heart, for I must hold my tougue." (Sheakespeare)
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Note:
At the first time, as I crate this page, I wasn't really sure, if I should publish these
parts from my diary. I invent by this way a friend, which called I after my old nick
name 'King Nothing'. Now get I to know, I can't run away from the past. This is me...
B A C K T O A B O U T S + RI M P R E S S U M