What Will Or Will Never Be
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title: "What Will Or Will Never Be" author: Darla Kane e-mail: DarlaB@gmx.de homepage: Angelic Art & Fiction distribution: Angelic Art & Fiction, Angel Investigations, ff.net - anyone else just ask! rating: PG pairing: Buffy/Angel - and small hints to Cordy/Doyle... like on the show... :) disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters - they all belong to Joss Whedon, David Greenwalt, Mutant Enemy, WB, 20th Century Fox etc. spoilers: "I Will Remember You" & "To Shanshu In L.A." summary: It takes place in L.A. about a month after "IWRY". Angel still can't forget about that day he was human and together with Buffy so the Oracles show up to give him quite a cryptic message. Oh, and by the way - Doyle's still alive, which is pretty important as he finds someting that might change Angel's life... You could also see it as a different approach to season 1... Am I talking too much? LOL! feedback: PLEASE!!! This is my first fan fic and I'd just LOVE to know what you think about it! notes: The phrases between ' // ' are dreams, thoughts and memories. comments: Thanks to everyone who beta-read this... esp. to Escy & loveangel! Only the Powers That Be know if I had ever been able to finish this one without your encouraging words and confidence... you really kept me going! // "... given enough time we should be able to..." "... forget." // Angel woke up. He had dreamt about it again, he had dreamt about her - that one day he was allowed to spend together with her as a human. And once again he questioned his decision. Why had he let her go? He had wanted to run after her, to kiss her gently and to *never* let her go! But instead he hadn't done anything - he had just finished what she wanted to say... "forget"... How could he forget? Nothing in the world could *ever* wash away the memory of what had happened. His thoughts drifted away to when he first kissed her that day - her amazed look when she saw him in bright daylight. It was almost as if he could still feel the softness of her lips on his and taste them. All this time of longing to hold her again, to give her all of his love - it had all been in that one passionate kiss. He smiled at the memory of it but soon his smile vanished and his eyes filled with sadness... He had let her go - how could he? Still her words echoed in his mind, // "How am I supposed to go on with my life knowing what we had? What we could have had?" // He was glad she didn't remember anything of it. He alone had to carry that burden... By now he really started to understand what the Oracles had meant by that. He alone knew, he alone felt the pain whenever his eyes fell on the picture that lay on his nightstand. He took it and just looked at her... her shining eyes, her small nose, her blond hair - and that loving smile that always made his heart leap... He put the photo away. Somehow he couldn't bear the sight of it right now. His eyes filled with tears... He never used to cry in the past, he put aside his feelings, even when he was alone. But since that day when he had held her in his arms that one last time, her head against his shoulder, crying just like he himself, he just couldn't stop those tears from coming every time he remembered. He sat there for a while trying to calm down. He knew he had to. He had to show up at the office above and behave like nothing had ever changed. "Another great night is waiting for you", he thought, slipped out of his bed and got dressed. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In the office Doyle and Cordelia were already busy looking through some files. Suddenly Cordy stopped with a sigh... "What's up, Cordy?" Doyle looked at her in surprise. "Anything wrong?" She put the files away and sat down beside him on the couch. "It's Angel. Have you noticed how he has changed over the last few weeks? I mean, not that he was the life of the party before but these days he's..." "... even more quiet and not willing to talk? Yeah, I noticed. Don't you think seeing the girl he loves more than anything again and her just walking away minutes after she showed up might - understandably - give him a bit of a hard time?" "That's our little Buffy... Could that childish slayer girl not just stay in Sunnydale and keep on rescuing us from the Hellmouth instead of coming to our town and messing everything up?" "Cordelia!" "I'm sorry... I'm just worried. He's acting so strange. I just can't get rid of the feeling that there's more to the story than we both know..." "What story?" Suddenly Angel came out of the elevator and looked at her. Doyle started, "We were just..." "...talking about a movie, weird one." Cordy completed the sentence glancing at Doyle. But Angel already didn't listen anymore. He went to his desk and fell down onto his chair, closing his eyes for a second... // "I felt your heart beat." // There it was again - the memory of that one day together... He tried to make it go away by looking up again and trying to distract his mind. He turned to Doyle. "So... any demon around while I was asleep?" "Nope, everything silent. The city almost seems demon-free today... scary... I just can't help..." Doyle kept talking but Angel's thoughts drifted away once more... // "I felt your heart beat." // God, how should he ever forget the way she looked at him when she said that? It showed everything, all the pain they both were feeling in that last minute of their given time together... But now he was alone with his pain - again without her... "Angel?" Cordy's voice got him back to present immediately. "Did you pay attention to anything Doyle was just telling you?" "I'm sorry, Cordy. I just..." Right now with all these thoughts and that last dream still lingering in his head, it was hard for him to hold his composure but somehow he managed. "I just need to get out for a walk or so. I'll be back in a few hours, okay? "Angel..." Cordelia wanted to add something but he was already gone. Doyle looked at her saying, "Maybe you were right 'bout sweet little Buffy and the whole thing..." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Angel was wandering around the streets, not really knowing where he was going to - only thinking about Buffy and wondering how he could endure this much longer. Suddenly he found himself in Santa Monica at the place where they had kissed... Realizing that, he just collapsed to the ground, burying his head in his hands, crying... He didn't even notice that two people were approaching him till he heard a male voice. "Stand up, demon with a soul." Surprised he looked up and saw the Oracles in front of him. He got up but before he could say anything the female asked, "Did you think it'd be easy to carry that burden?" And the male continued, "We told you that what you wished for was not to be undertaken lightly." "But still you decided to sacrifice all your human love and happiness for the Slayer." "Were we wrong by granting you that wish..." "...and turning back the hands of time?" Angel silently shook his head but avoided to face them. The female looked at him, nodding, and went on... "What you had to sacrifice was great but was part of your destiny" "Let those forgotten memories remind you why the Powers That Be have chosen you and what shall be your destiny..." "...and shall guide you to what will or will never be." Angel was about to ask what they meant by that but with a flash of light they had already disappeared. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- His eyes were still glued to the place where the Oracles had just vanished. What did they mean by what they had just said? He knew they were trying to get him back on the right track and to help him cope with what had happened... but there was something more to it - he felt that. // "what will or will never be" // What were they refering to? He wished he could have asked them. But they were the Oracles, right? He wouldn't have gotten a straight answer anyway... Standing there for quite a while, lost in thought, he realized that it wouldn't be long till the sun came up and he'd better get back to the office. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Where's that walk taking him to? South Africa? He should've been back hours ago! The sun will soon be lightening up all of L.A. and we have absolutely no idea where he went to or if anything has happened!" Cordelia was deeply worried. Back in good old Sunnydale Angel was just Buffy's vampire ex who had scared everybody to death when he turned back into Angelus. So even after his soul was restored again, she'd rather stayed away from him but here in that hostile city of L.A. he had become her friend and she just hated to see him that hurt since hurricane Buffy came to town and took everything with her. She knew Buffy was the reason he had isolated himself even more since that day. And seeing him leave earlier tonight in such a confused state of mind made her think about what had really happened back then. "I'm sure he's just fine, Cordy. Guess he just needed some time on his own to think about things." "Not about things - about Buffy... I'm *so* sure about that! She'll drive him insane when she shows up one more time!" Suddenly they both heard somebody open the door and Angel came in. "Thank God, you're back! Cordy was already seeing us look out for your ashes on the beach as soon as the sun has risen the way you ran off." "I'm sorry..." And turning to Cordelia he added, "I really am! I did not want anyone of you to worry about me. I just needed to think... and I guess... I think we should talk..." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- They all went down to Angel's apartment and sat down at the table. Before he started, Angel glanced around the room for a second, thinking back to his dream. He just had to tell them what had happened... They were his friends and he really owed them an explanation. "I think I haven't told you everything about that day Buffy came here a month ago..." "Actually you didn't tell us *anything* really!" "You're right, Cordelia, and I'm sorry..." "You hardly said a word to us in the last 4 weeks... Do you have any idea how worried we were? So you better should be... sorry, I mean." "As I said, you're right... and I *am* sorry but just let me explain. Doyle, why did you never tell me about the Oracles?" "How do you know about the Oracles?" Doyle really seemed surprised. "I've never mentioned them to you. I just didn't think them to be important." Angel smiled sadly. "If you knew how important they are to me..." "What do you mean?" "Well, you two think Buffy was here for 10 minutes or something, right? In fact, she was here for a whole 24 hours." Cordelia and Doyle looked at each other as if Angel had just lost his mind. Doyle was the first to begin to speak again. "Man, I think one of us must have been drinking - and it certainly wasn't Cordelia or me..." "I know it must sound weird to you but... remember that demon I told you about? That attacked us? I couldn't kill it the first time." "Now it's really getting confusing... The first time? You were only attacked once, weren't you?" "Well, yes... but actually, no... just listen, okay? They both nodded. "Buffy and I went through the sewers to find it and after we had split up, I was able to track it down, kill it, some of its blood mixed with mine... and it made me mortal." "Mortal like... like someone who's alive?" Cordy really didn't know what to think about this. "Then why are you still here being all vampy? And why is Buffy not here?" Angel looked down at her question. Wasn't that exactly what he'd been asking himself since that day? Why wasn't she here with him? 'Cause he idiot decided it just couldn't be and so he had let her go... But he had to get to the point now. "Because I asked the Oracles to turn me back. That demon not only regenerated me but also itself so that we had to kill it again... Right then I realized I couldn't protect her as a human and the Oracles predicted that Buffy's going to die... I had no choice... I couldn't let her die..." The last few words were barely above a whisper and for a moment there was just silence all over the place as nobody was able to speak. Even for Cordelia it took a while to let the real meaning of his words sink in till she turned to him. "I'm sorry... now I understand why you didn't wanna talk..." Angel looked at her and she could see the pain in his eyes at the memory so she better stopped. Silently Angel continued. "I didn't wanna tell you because... well, you both know... But today I saw the Oracles again." Doyle seemed pretty astonished. "How could you go see the Oracles? You can't approach them without a messenger." "I didn't... *They* found *me*. Guess they wanted to get me back on the right path, which they kinda did, I suppose. But there was something else they said that I can't get out of my mind. Doyle, you know the Powers That Be and the Oracles... They said something like that those memories of that forgotten day shall remind me of my destiny and guide me to what will or will never be... I get the first part in a way but what could they have meant by 'what will or will never be'?" "Sorry, Angel, they are the Oracles... as I've already pointed out - I'm just a messenger... I'm happy if I read my visions correctly." "I just can't get rid of the feeling that it meant something important, you know?" "Well, guess we can do nothing but wait and see, huh?" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Long after Cordy and Doyle were gone, Angel was still sitting in his chair thinking about what had happened. The Oracles had tried to show him that though the day with Buffy was forgotten by everyone but him, it was still important for *his* destiny, he was pretty certain about that. But it still hurt, too... How couldn't it? He felt on the verge of tears again when he stood up and went to bed - the bed they had shared not too long ago. Lying there all memories came back to him as always - how she gently licked up some ice cream from his chest, how they made love without having to worry that he might lose his soul again... and how he held her tenderly and couldn't stop watching her when she finally fell asleep in his arms. It was just perfect... He remembered how she told him she didn't wanna sleep so that the day could keep happening. And what had he answered? That they'd make another one like it tomorrow... He sighed. If he had only known that there would be no tomorrow - but on the other hand... What difference would it have made? None. The result would have been the same. "You should better stop thinking and try to sleep!", he tried to convince himself. But still, the last thing on his mind before he fell asleep was Buffy's face... --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- By the time Doyle and Cordelia left Angel's apartment it was already morning. Neither of them said a word, both of them still lost in thought about what Angel had just revealed to them. Cordy was the first to say something again - and so unlike of her she looked worried again... In fact, when it came to Angel she was worrying quite a lot these days - but still it wasn't like her usually... "Do you think he can deal with it?" "Angel? He's strong, you know that." "But *you* know and saw the way he acted the past 4 weeks... it cut deeper than usual." "Yeah right... but at least he finally told us about it. That's a good thing!" "It is... But I know it still hurts him. Did you see that sad look on his face? It was heartbreaking." She sighed. "There's still a lot of recovering ahead of him, I suppose." "He's not alone, Cordy... and he knows that." "Well, so let's just cut the 'B-word' out of our vocabulary and help him to get over her, right?" "Right." "Doyle?" "Yeah?" She hesistated for a second. "Do you really have no clue what the Powers tried to tell him?" "Do you think I'd lie to him?" He seemed a bit hurt. "Sorry, princess, I wish I knew." "Me too... Let's just hope it meant something positive. There's already been far enough pain in his life..." She yawned. "Man, I'm tired..." "Shall I drive you home, princess?" "Stop calling me princess, will you? But as an excuse you can definitely drive me home... sure!" She smiled at him... and Doyle silently thanked the Powers That Be and every other higher being for that smile. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- // "No. I'll never forget. I'll never forget. I'll never forget. I'll never forget." // Angel woke up in the evening. Sure, he had dreamt about Buffy again, and sure, he felt the pain not to wake up beside her and in an empty bed instead, alone... but today was different somehow. He felt better in a way - and he knew he had to start to let go and to stop tormenting himself about losing that day. He had to go on with his life and to keep on fighting the good fight - even if that meant he had to be without her. He was glad that the Powers had sent the Oracles to him yesterday. Who knows how long it might still have taken him to realize that otherwise... and he was glad he had told Cordy and Doyle. They were his best friends, his family here in L.A. And though he would never share all of his feelings about Buffy and that day with them, he was certain they knew in a way. He could imagine how worried they must have been over the last month - and now he felt relieved that he had told them. It felt right - and so did he today. He even caught himselt smile slightly when his eyes fell on Buffy's picture... No tears today - for the first time in 4 weeks... --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Cordy was making coffee when he entered the room. She smiled at him, handing him a cup. "There you are... You look better." He smiled back at that comment. "And the first smile in 4 weeks... that's good to see! Fits you better!" "Thanks, Cor. Well, guess I feel better, too." "That's good! 'Cause there are a lot of demons out there that are just waiting to get their ass kicked by you." Cordelia was so glad to see him smiling again. She had missed that. Now she really knew that Doyle was right last night. // "He's strong - he'll make it. No matter how hard it'll be." // "Where's Doyle?" With that question he got her attention back. "He called and said he'd show up a bit later. I'm sure he just wanted to sleep a couple more hours." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- But Doyle wasn't sleeping. He had been up all night, or morning in fact. He couldn't stop thinking about the Oracles and what they had said to Angel. He wanted to find out - for him. "Man, this whole hero-attitude of Angel seems to start to affect me, too.", he smiled to himself. But he knew who the real hero was in here... He couldn't believe that Angel gave up his humanity and future with Buffy, the love of his life, for his duty. He admired him for that. He could never be so selfless. If he finally had the guts to ask Cordy out - and who knows? Maybe even start dating... He wouldn't give that up for *anything* again. But he wasn't Angel, right? And that's why he felt he owed him to try to find out about their message. And that's what had kept him awake the past few hours. He did not really knew where to start but he was certain that whatever they meant by it, it must have been important - otherwise they wouldn't have mentioned it. So he had to keep on searching. He was still thinking about that when he was hit by a vision. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Doyle ran into the office. "I need to talk to Angel!" Cordy looked up from her work, not really noticing the urgency in his voice. "Hey, easy! What about 'Good evening, Cordelia. How are you?' Thanks for *not* askin' but I'm fine." "Cordelia, please..." "Alright, alright... he's out looking for some demons. By the way, what happened? You look pretty messed up." It wasn't till then that Doyle realized how tired he was - and he was certain he also looked like that. Calming down a little, he sat down. "I had a vision... and I got this strange feeling that it has something to do with the Oracles' message." "Wow! Really? Are you sure?" "No, I'm not but... Anyhow, we shouldn't waste time. There's an ugly looking demon somewhere out there, you know? With claws and everything... we need to find it before it harms anyone." After a beat... "Didn't you just give Angel a cell phone?" "Oh yeah, right... Wait a sec. I'll call him." Cordy dials Angel's number and then they hear a phone ringing in his office. "Well, looks as if Mr. 18th-century-guy didn't take it along. What now?" Doyle wasn't too keen on getting killed by this thing but knowing that the Powers That Be sent him that vision with a purpose, he made an - even for him surprising - decision... "I'm gonna try find it!" "What are you? Crazy?" Cordelia couldn't believe her ears and was about to freak out. "Look, we can't wait till Angel comes back... it might be too late then - we gotta do something!" "You do not even know where to look for it!" "I think I've recognized something in my vision." Doyle turns to go. "Wish me luck, princess." "But..." "Cordy, please... I know what I'm doin'. Just stay here at the office till Angel shows up, okay?" "Okay..." She still wasn't really convinced that it was such a good idea to go after it alone. So when Doyle was almost out of the door, she added... "Doyle?" "Yeah?" "Good luck!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In the meantime Angel was in some big fight with a pretty strong demon - the one from Doyle's vision actually. It tackled Angel to the ground but Angel was able to get up quickly - too quickly for the demon. It was killed before it could react any further. Just that instant Doyle rushed to the scene seeing Angel kneeled down beside the dead body. "Are you okay, man?" Angel was more than surprised to see Doyle. "Yeah... but what are you doin' here?" "I had a vision..." "Well, seems as if the Powers were a little late today to send you to tell me... I suppose they are a bit behind the schedule." // "Why did they send me that vision when he found the demon anyway?" // Doyle was completely lost in thought now. // "Maybe this one wasn't directly for Angel but for me and I was right about my guess..." // "Doyle?" "Sorry... oh yeah, seems so... Where did it come from?" "The demon? I've chased it and we ended up here. I tracked it down on Maple Avenue, near that old deserted graveyard, first. Why are you askin'?" "Just curious, I guess... Let's get back to the office, alright? I bet Cordelia's already worried..." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Halfway to the office Doyle said bye to Angel telling him he was tired. Angel wondered what was up but didn't ask and just let him go. Instead of going home, Doyle headed right to the place where Angel told him that he had found the demon. If there really had been a reason for his vision, he was sure he'd find it there. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So Doyle was pacing around the graveyard - *really* feeling uncomfortable by now and wondering what he was doing there when he suddenly noticed a hidden entry to some sort of cave. He guessed - or let's better say hoped - that this was the hideaway of the demon that Angel had just killed... otherwise he might be the next in line to be dead in about a minute. With a silent prayer he entered. When his eyes got more used to the dim light, he dared to take a look around... and much to his relief there was no one else in there. // "What am I looking for?" // He wasn't really sure about that... and apart from some scroll the place was pretty empty... // "Wait a sec." // He thought to himself. // "A scroll?" // He hurried over and somehow the conviction stroke him that *that* was his reason for coming here. He just knew! So he took it and went straight back to Cordy and Angel. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In the meantime Angel finally arrived at the office where he found Cordelia asleep on her desk. He went down to his apartment and got her a blanket, which he softly laid around her shoulders. He watched her for a while... In a way the sight reminded him of Buffy. He sighed and wished he could ever see her again like that... But before he could follow that thought any further Doyle came rushing in. "Angel, I think I've found something!" "Ssh! Can't you see she's sleeping?" Angel replied in a whispering tone and pointing at Cordy. But she had already woken up... "Man... Is the apocalypse about to take place or why are you screaming like hell? Or do you think just because you get those terrible headaches every time you get a vision, everyone should have those once in a while?" She got up, stretching, and yawned. // "How cute she looks when she has just woken up." // was the thought that immediately hit Doyle's mind. "You should try to get a job as an alarm clock - I'm certain you'd be *very* good at that!" "Sorry Cor, I didn't mean to disturb you. Besides, what are you still doin' here?" "May I remind you - you were the one who got all crazy about 'I gotta find this ugly demon myself if Angel's not here', 'Stay here till he comes back'... yadda, yadda..." "But you were sleeping?" "Retard... Maybe I showed up at work on time today - which you definitely *didn't* do... so guess what? It's the middle of the night and I'm just *a little* tired!" Even more sarcastically she continued, "I am *so* sorry I may have fallen asleep at my desk!" Angel was listening to their argument in amusement till he remembered that Doyle wanted to tell him something when he came. "Hey hey hey... calm down, guys. And I thought demons were scary sometimes - they've never seen the two of you fighting." Both of them were suddenly silent and looked at Angel as if they hadn't been aware he was still there. "Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt you... please go on... But first I'd like to know what Doyle wanted to tell me..." "Me? Yeah right... Anyway, I've found this at the hideaway of our demon." He handed the scroll over to Angel who was pretty surprised. "Why did you go there?" He was still staring at that scroll. "That's a long story... I had a vision, you see? The one that send me to you... Well, I guess it was supposed to send me to this scroll." Angel unrolled it. "But why?" Still looking at it, he went on, "I really don't get why the Powers That Be would send you out to get this." Cordy also took a look at the scroll from behind Angel's shoulder. "Maybe they were getting out of books and just needed something new to read." She blew some dust off the ancient paper. "Huh, actually not *that* new." Doyle looked at her seriously. "Alright... I won't say a word. But why are you making such a fuss about this? It's even in a language none of us understands... I wish you would have left me dreaming - *that* would have been more interesting." Angel still kept looking at the words written on the scroll and suddenly felt a certainty that they really meant something - he wasn't sure - but it could be about him. "Cordy, don't you remember what I told you before I left? That I think that my vision had something to do with the Oracles' prophecy?" Angel looked up again. "I think he's right... I can't say why but I just know." "Though I don't get what those Powers always have with prophecies and ancient scrolls, I get one thing... we can't translate it, can we?" "That's true... it looks like a very old language. So what now? Any suggestions?" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- All of them had been sitting there, thinking for quite a while when Cordy suddenly screamed, "I got it!" "No need to startle me like that, princess." "Just see it as a little revenge for your impolite behavior earlier tonight." Now she smiled at Angel. "I think I know who can help us." "So?" "Giles!" Angel let that idea sink in. He did not really want to go back to Sunnydale, ask Giles about the scroll - and to see Buffy... He was just starting to accept the way their non-existing relationship worked now and he knew he wasn't ready to see her again just yet. It would tear him apart. "Who's Giles?", Doyle asked. "Buffy's watcher." "Oh..." Both of them just noticed that Angel didn't say anything and realized what it might mean for him. They tried to meet his eyes but he was looking to the ground. "Well, I mean... It was just an idea. I'm certain we'll find someone else who can do it." Angel looked up with sad eyes. "No, you're right, Cor. It's important so..." He broke off. "Please, just call Giles and ask if it's alright if I drive over to Sunnydale tomorrow night, okay?" With that he went to the elevator and left Doyle and Cordelia alone. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Angel, wait!" Cordelia wanted to run after him but Doyle got a hold of her arm and stopped her. "Don't... It's probably better if we leave him alone for a while." Cordy sank down in a chair. "Yeah, right... Aren't we a lucky bunch of kids? I mean, look at us - our vampire downstairs turns into brooding mode as soon as a word that only resembles 'Buffy' comes up, you are divorced and your ex just spun your head a little by showing up and me, school's favorite who went insane and made out with a loser, ended up in L.A. with almost no social life and spends her time with a vamp detective and an Irish man who gets weird visions... We're *really* miserable when it comes to relationships!" Doyle just couldn't stop watching her beautiful face during her little outburst. "Huh... anybody at home in that head of yours? Stop looking at me like that! I'm not *so* desperate to start something with you." He knew she probably didn't even guess that he had really fallen in love with her and how these last words had hurt him. He looked away and changed the subject. "You think that watcher can help us with the scroll?" "He's pretty much into that kinda stuff so I just hope so - for Angel's sake." "Yeah... He needs something to hold on to - and something that keeps him from thinking about Buffy." "By running into her when he gets back to Sunnydale?" "Maybe... It'd be better for both of them to clear things up so they can go on with their lives... or unlives... whatsoever..." After a moment of silence Cordy replied concerned, "She'll just break his heart all over again." "Don't you think it's sometimes better to get your heart broken than..." "To have never given it a shot?" Doyle looked at her. "Basically." and continued after a beat, "Cordelia, I..." But she had already jumped up off her chair and headed towards the stairs. "Let's go on with that love talk later, alright? I really wanna check on Angel now..." Doyle had finally wanted to tell her everything now - about him being half demon and what he felt for her... But what did she do? She was gone before he could really start a sentence. Right, L.A.'s just *the* place for relationship issues. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Angel had gone straight down to his apartment. He hated to leave his friends upstairs like that knowing they'd just start to worry again but he just needed to be alone for a while... to think, to digest that he would have to go to Sunnydale and see Giles, the gang - and Buffy... // "Oh Buffy!" // He sighed and sat down at the kitchen table, resting his head in his hands. // "Why do I still have to love you so much?" // His heart wrenched with pain when he thought about the way she left. She had not even looked back. He had glanced down at the broken clock and when he looked back up, she had already been gone... as if she'd never been there. Maybe that had hurted him even more than actually remembering every second of their day and night together and thus always reminding him what he had given up. But what had he expected? That she out of a miracle *would* remember and throw herself right into his loving embrace again? Certainly not... She had also felt hurt because he hadn't told her that he'd been in Sunnydale earlier to help her so why should she have stayed when everything had already been said? No reason... But nonetheless it had pierced his heart like no stake would have been able to. // "God, how shall I face her?" // He knew he had to act as if he hadn't held her in his arms just 4 weeks ago... In fact, as far as the so called reality went, he hadn't - the day had never happened... but in his very heart he knew it had. And he wouldn't be able to just forget about that when he was standing in front of her again. Back then it was easier... The whole scenario changed so suddenly - too fast to *really* react and fully understand... like someone reacts if he's in a shock. But this time it'd be different - it would be a lot more painful... --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Cordy went downstairs slowly and found Angel punching a sandbag. He was so into it that he didn't even notice her coming. // "Why does it always have to be so hard? Don't I also deserve a little happiness?" // He asked himself but knew the answer too well... He was just a monster - he didn't. Whatever power had made him fall in love with Buffy and made her love him back had been right in doing so because this love had just caused him even more pain. And dealing with the memory ot that one perfect day was just the right torment to *always* remind him of what he'd *never* have or deserve... a normal life as a human. He punched the sandbag fiercly. "Angel? Are you okay?" Cordelia knew he wasn't... Sure, Doyle was right about that it had been worth it that Angel and Buffy had given it a shot back in Sunnydale and had tried to make their relationship work - but she felt so sorry for them that they had failed. She hated it that Buffy could still get to him like this - especially now when it had seemed like he'd be getting better again. "I'm fine." He realized that he didn't sound too convincing but he didn't care. He was definitely *not* in the mood to fill *anyone* in on his doubts, feelings and fears. "Then... Why are you trying to kill that sandbag?" "I'm what?" He finally looked at her. "Oh, I was... just working out." "Do you think that makes it better?" He turned away from her and sat down in an armchair. "I don't know what you mean." Cordy followed him. "You do... Angel, you gotta deal with it - and Doyle and I are here to help you. See it as a chance to get things straight when you go to Sunnydale tomorrow. It..." Angel stood up again and cut her short harshly. "Let me tell you something... You two wanna help me? You can't! Know why? 'Cause *I* gotta deal with it all by myself. You got *no* idea what it is like... so don't tell me you understand or wanna help. What about if you just leave me alone? GO!" Cordelia was too stunned to reply anything... She just turned around and went out of his apartment. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "I really feel the urge to put a stake through his heart!" Doyle was still sitting in the office. He had heard Angel shouting and had just been about to see if everything was okay downstairs when he almost ran into Cordy. "What happened?" "You try to help this psycho vamp and what do you get? A kick in the ass... not literally, I mean." "I told you that you should better leave him alone for tonight." "Maybe... But what gives him the right to freak out on his friends like that?" Now she didn't really look angry any longer - rather disappointed. "You were arguing, right? I heard it... Don't take it too seriously - he probably didn't mean it. The last few weeks weren't easy for him, you know that..." "I do but... I just wish he would let us help him." "Just give him some time..." After a pause. "Come on, let's get home... it's already late. Tomorrow will be better." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It was about noon when Cordelia tried to get Giles on the phone. She had just hung up when Angel entered the office. "Pretty early for you, isn't it?" she said without looking at him. "I couldn't sleep..." After Cordy left last night, he had tried to get some rest but he had hardly had any luck at that. Too many thoughts had kept him awake... mainly about Sunnydale, Giles, Buffy - but also about Cordelia. He hadn't been fair yesterday, he shouldn't have treated her like that. She had wanted to help and all he had done was brush her off. Why did he always have to hurt the people that were closest to him? And he could hear in her voice that she was still kinda angry at him... "Don't tell me why... I don't wanna know! See... *That's* none of my business, right?" He went over to her desk. "It is... because you care, you and Doyle. I'm sorry about yesterday... I..." Cordy stopped him. "I didn't wanna make it *that* easy for you... But you know what? Forget about it! I know the whole situation is hard enough right now - and I don't wanna make it any harder by only thinking about my wounded ego... Man, was that me saying that? Wow!" "So we're cool?" "We are... just don't forget - we're here for you, alright?" "Alright... So... Did you get to talk to Giles yet?" "Yeah, he'll help us... No problem! In fact, he seemed quite excited as soon as I mentioned the two words 'ancient scroll'..." She rolled her eyes. "Guess he can hardly wait to lay his hands on it. But I had to promise him something..." "What?" "He's gonna tell her..." Angel sat down opposite Cordelia, clearly thinking about this announcement. Cordy, noticing that, continued... "You're not happy about that, huh?" "Well... 'Happy' would be the wrong term... I definitely don't want it to end like last time I went there..." "I hear a 'but'?" When she got no reply, she went over to his chair and crouched down beside him. "You're not ready yet?" "I don't know... maybe not..." "You're afraid it might stir things up." He nodded. "I don't want to repeat myself... But take the chance to talk to her. Maybe you can really sort out some stuff." "I think she's right... But I don't need to tell ya that, do I?" Both of them turned around to see Doyle in the doorway. "Man, first Angel, now you... It's strange to see you boys awake at that time of day." "Not often but it happens..." Doyle smiled. "So when are we goin'? My bags are already packed." It wasn't until then that Angel and Cordelia realized two bags standing behind him. "Doyle, I don't think..." Angel started... "What? You're taking Cordy with you but I gotta stay here?" Angel looked questioningly at Cordelia. "Well, it just *may* be that I also got two bags in the outer office..." "Guys, I really don't wanna disappoint you but I think I'm going there *alone*." "You can't... Who's gonna stop you and Buffy from getting groiny with one another after you're done punching out your differences?" Angel just gave her a look. "Sorry..." "Look... I'll just go see Giles so he can translate the text. I'll be back before you even notice that I'm gone." "So? No trip for your employees? And I was hoping to finally get a glimpse of the hellmouth..." Cordy was looking at Angel. "You're sure you can handle it?" "Yeah... but I'm glad you care. Both of you." After a pause. "But are *you* two sure I can leave you here without you killing each other?" He smiled at them and Doyle grabbed Cordelia for a hug. "Sure we are... See? We're one happy family." "Get your hands off me or Angel might have to save *you* before he leaves." "Hellmouth can't be *that* exciting, can it?" All three of them started to laugh and Angel felt glad that his friends tried to relieve the building tension a bit that increased the nearer his departure came. "I better get a bag packed myself now and try to lie down a little again. It's a two-hour-drive and I suppose it might become a long night." "Alright then... see ya later!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It felt as if he had just waved goodbye to Doyle and Cordelia and now it was 10 PM already and he was standing in front of Giles' door in Sunnydale. It was a strange feeling in a way - but he had a reason to be here, right? So he finally got himself to knock. A short moment later, Giles opened the door. "Hello Angel! Come on in... I thought you might be here a bit sooner." "Hi Giles! I got stuck in traffic." Angel looked around the living room as if he was expecting to see Buffy. "She's not here." Giles said, guessing his thoughts. "But Cordelia told you that I didn't intend to keep your coming secret from her?" "She did... and it's okay. I was just... Anyhow, that's not what I'm here for..." "Right... Cordelia mentioned an ancient scroll if I'm not mistaken?" "Yes..." Angel handed him the roll of parchment. "Here it is... I have no clue what language it is in..." Giles moved his glasses in the right place and took a look at it. "It could be Ancient Aramaic..." Wandering about the room for a while not taking his eyes off the scroll, he continued, "Would you mind if I keep it here to take a closer look?" "Of course not... I'm glad you want to help." Giles' attention seemed already completely on the scroll so Angel added, "I'll be staying at the mansion. Guess nobody's there, right?" Giles finally looked up again. "No, I don't think so..." Already making up a list in his mind which books he should consult, he said, "I'll let you know when I can tell you more." "Thank you, Giles." Then Angel left and drove straight to the old mansion. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The next day... Angel had been pacing around the mansion ever since he woke up in the early afternoon. Doing so he couldn't help thinking about the last couple of months of Buffy's and his relationship before he left for L.A. What a year that had been! After he had returned from hell, nothing had been like before... for none of them. In the beginning they both had been careful not to get too close but maybe they had already known back then that nothing in the world could keep them away from each other for long. He still couldn't understand that she had still loved him after all he - or rather the demon inside of him - had done to her and her friends... God, he had even killed Jenny! But for some reason Buffy had never stopped loving him. They had tried to make it work again and he knew he had also loved her - no, he *still* loved her - truely... but some part of him had never been convinced that he'd deserve her. Maybe that had really been the reason that drove them apart in the long run. Sometimes he wished he had never left Sunnydale, that he had never left Buffy... But he couldn't take that decision back - just like the one he had made last Thanksgiving... He sighed. He shouldn't have come here - that mansion brought back too many memories. But where else should he stay? Besides, every train of thought ended at the last time he had seen his one and only love... And here in Sunnydale it was almost like he could feel her presence *everywhere*. He was so lost in thought that he hadn't even sensed sunset till it was completely dark outside. A look at his watch told him that it was still early so he thought for a second about going to the Bronze, just to relive some memories of happier days... But the same moment he changed his mind because chances would be pretty high to run into someone of the gang - or even into Buffy though he guessed she was patrolling. So he decided to go to Giles' place to see if he already had some news for him. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Angel arrived at Giles' apartment and was about to knock when he heard a way too familiar voice from inside. "See ya tomorrow!" A moment later the door opened and a certain girl ran into him. "Oh, I'm so..." Buffy looked up and realized who it was, "...sorry." Both of them were at a lack for words and just stared at each other. So many things whirled inside Angel's head that he wanted to tell her but the only word he could finally get out was... "Buffy?" Buffy quickly found her usual self again. "Guess that's me... or was me - see me goin'." And before he could reply she was gone - once again... To him it felt as if she had fled from him, which just hurt. They were so over that she did not even want to stick around him. His eyes just stared into the direction she had disappeared. It would never change... just that brief second he had seen her a minute ago felt so intense that he'd just wanted to lose himself in her... "Angel?" Giles came to the door as he thought Buffy had forgotten to close it when he saw Angel standing there, looking pretty lost. By his pained expression Giles knew Angel had seen her when she left. Angel was still struggling with himself not to run away as far as he possibly could from this town - or at least back to L.A. He knew it'd be hard to face her but he hadn't been prepared to almost feel his heart shatter as soon as he just saw her shortly. His heart that did not beat any longer... // "It's a good sound... Thump-thump. Thump-thump." // The memory and the sound of her words were just beating in his head - over and over again... They had been so unaware of what was going to happen afterwards, they had thought they would make it work this time... they'd been truely happy - just a normal girl and a normal boy lying in each other's arms... "Angel?" It wasn't till the second time Giles addressed him that he realized again where he was. He went past Giles into the apartment, who followed with a frown. To force away the thought of Buffy and avoid any questions about her, Angel asked about the scroll immediately. "So... how's the translation goin'?" "Well, it's complicated. I'm not really certain what to think about it yet." Giles went over to the desk on which some books were piled up alongside the scroll. "It looks as if you've found the Prophecies of Aberjian. They mention different sorts of events but there's also an entire passage about 'a vampire with a soul', which is likely to refer to you, I suppose." Though Angel had guessed something like that he was stunned. Could it really be that he had his place in the scheme of things? "What does it say?" Flipping through some notes, Giles answered, "You must understand that these prophecies were written over the last 4000 years in a dozen different languages, some of which aren't even human. Therefore I couldn't translate everything yet. But it says that once he fulfills his destiny, the vampire with a soul will 'shanshu'." "'Shanshu'? Meaning?" "That's where it gets complicated..." Giles took some other notes and continued, "The word 'shanshu' has roots in many different languages. It could be Phygian or descend from the ancient Magyar. And there are also some other possibilities I still have to look into." "Guess that means that I still gotta stay here for a while..." "Probably yes, I'm afraid." Angel was disappointed in a way. He knew Giles did the best he could but he just wanted to get away from this place again. Being here was just too painful as the last encounter with Buffy had just proven. So he had hoped that Giles would already have some answers. "Would you mind if I get back to the mansion then? I think I wouldn't be much help with the text anyhow..." // "...and I just need some time on my own now." // he added in his mind. "Alright then..." Giles nodded. "I hope I can tell you more tomorrow." "Me too." With that Angel left and Giles silently looked after him. He took off his glasses and rubbed his forehead before he put them on again and went back to his books. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- When Angel got back to the mansion, he sensed immediately that he wasn't alone. He thought his mind was playing tricks on him when he heard someone say, "I guessed that you'd be staying here." He turned around and saw Buffy. He felt as overtook by his feelings for her as he had outside Giles' apartment. "Buffy?" After a pause of just looking at her he said, "What are you doing here?" She approached him. "Don't you think I could ask you the exact same thing or is this your idea of keepin' your distance?" "Buffy, this..." But she cut him short. "You know what, Angel? I don't care what may have been your reason to come here again. At least Giles made sure to tell me this time..." She laughed bitterly. "Not that I would have thought you'd tell me yourself anyway." There was an awful silence between them now. Angel wanted to say something but feared he'd only make matters worse. Her words hurt him but what hurt even more were the memories that were starting to creep up again when he looked into her eyes... He looked down. "I'm heading towards a pretty good life now, Angel... and I'd appreciate it if you just stayed away. You got no clue what I'm goin' through these days. *You* left, remember? So I don't understand why you keep coming back again and again and make it harder." During her outburst her voice sounded more angry with each word till she finally said, "Why can't you just leave me alone?" Though a part of him wanted to answer 'Because I love you.' another part of him also got angry about the way she spoke to him and accused him. So he replied instead, furiously, "Has the thought ever crossed your mind that it's not always about you? That I'm not here to stir up your life? *This* is about *me*! I came here to talk to Giles - *not* to see *you*! Remember that you told me that you're a big girl now, Buffy? Then start behaving like one and stop thinkin' that everything I do or decide is about you!" The moment he had uttered these sentences he already regreted saying them. He hadn't intended to hurt her once again but he knew he just had. "I don't have to listen to this." Buffy turned around and was about to go but Angel quickly ran after her and grabbed her arm to stop here. "Don't touch me!" When she faced him again, he saw tears dwelling in her eyes. "Do you really think this is easy for me, Angel? It isn't... it'll never be... You may have put us behind already - but I can't..." And very quietly with the tears now running down her cheeks she added, "...'cause I still love you." Angel couldn't believe that she had actually told him that she still loved him... and that she thought he on the other hand was over her. "Oh Buffy..." Though he knew better he just put his arms around her. Like a wave all the emotions of the last time he had held her like that swept over him again and he couldn't fight his tears any longer, either. She also just hugged him tighter as if something would tear them apart if she didn't. Not letting go of her, he whispered, "I'll never stop loving you... *never*", and kissed her gently as if to seal his words. When they broke away, they just looked at each other sadly. "So... what happens now?" "I don't know... I wish I could tell you that things have changed or will change but you know I can't..." Buffy just look deep into his eyes. "I know but..." Angel continued desperately, being reminded of the talk they had in the sewers on that day that never happened, "There's no 'but' for us... you know that as well as I do. There is no future for us. I can't give you a life or anything a real girl would want." "But you know I don't care about any of these things, remember?" Angel just gave her a pained and pleading look. "But I also know you're right. It doesn't work with us. And no matter what we feel right now - we only end up having to leave each other..." Angel just nodded... There was nothing else they could say. Buffy wiped some tears away and tried to smile at him but failed miserably. "I guess I better go..." "Probably", Angel replied as sadly and looked down. She headed to the door when she turned around once again. "Angel?" He looked up. "What I said back in L.A. ... that with time we should be able to forget... we'll never forget, right?" Angel looked straight into her eyes, "*never*". Then she finally turned around and practially ran off into the night without looking back once... --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- After a restless morning with dreams of Buffy, Angel woke up in the afternoon. He thought he had heard a voice. So he got up and went cautiously into the direction the sound had come from. Someone stood in the main room of the mansion and Angel was surprised to see who it was... "Giles?" Giles turned around, slightly startled. "Angel, good that you are already awake." "Actually I've been sleeping till I heard you." "I'm sorry. But I thought you'd want to know immediately." "Know what?" Then Angel noticed the scroll and the notes in Giles' hands. "Oh, the scroll... right." He had almost forgotten about it at all after seeing Buffy last night. Once more he'd been close to getting into his car and going back to Los Angeles right away when she had left. He already missed her again... He had to force his attention back to Giles. "So what have you found out?" "I would suggest we better sit down." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Angel couldn't believe what Giles had told him. Even after the watcher had long left the mansion, Angel still heard his words... He might become human... *human*. That gave him hope - hope that someday he really might be able to make up for all the horrible things he had done in the past. Giles had explained that the term 'shanshu' that he mentioned before had his most ancient source in the language of the Proto-Bantu who considered life and death the same thing, a part of a cycle - which meant in his case that someday the demon in him might die and the human in him might live. He'd be like a normal man - not just for one day but for the rest of his mortal lifespan. Certainly Giles made sure to point out that it would still take some time. The prophecy mentioned some stuff like apocalyptic battles, a coming darkness and so on... But that didn't matter right now. He felt a kind of peace he hadn't felt in a long time. His thoughts wandered off to his friends. He couldn't wait to tell Cordelia and Doyle and to see their surprised faces. The image made him smile... So he packed the few things he'd taken along to Sunnydale and went to his car to get back home. When he was about to start the engine, he stopped... He just couldn't leave like this - he just had to see her once more... --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It was Friday night and like so often when they didn't have to take care of some demon, the gang was at the Bronze. Anya and Xander were chatting and laughing while Willow looked at the dancefloor. She dreamily watched Buffy and Riley dance to some love song... "Aren't they just cute together?" Xander also took a look into their direction. "Yeah. She finally seems to be over Dead Boy." But none of them nor Riley noticed the sad expression on Buffy's face. While she lay in Riley's arms, she thought of Angel. She so not wanted to be here but everything was better than lying on her bed and sobbing into her pillow like she had done last night after coming home from the mansion. Kissing him again... it had felt just right. But Angel had also been right... nothing would ever change so they had to be apart - and she had to accept that. While she and Riley kept on dancing a single tear ran down her cheek... From the shadows Angel was watching her. At first he felt betrayed when he saw his only love together with some other guy... but then he saw her eyes and knew she had said the truth when she told him that she still loved him. And as much as it hurt to admit it, it was their love that kept them apart for now. Watching them for a while he suddenly realized what the Oracles had tried to tell him some days ago in L.A. Like a puzzle it all started to make sense now... He finally understood. The memory of their perfect day together - it wasn't a burden... it was a gift, a promise of 'what will or will never be'. It depended on him if he might ever have a future full of days like that one - together with her. He just had to keep on believing and fighting the good fight. Then someday he might get his reward... And right then he promised himself to always treasure that forgotten day in his memory to remind him of what might lie ahead. With a last look at Buffy, he went outside and whispered // "Someday, my love. Someday..." //.