Birth and Farewell

Stay a little while longer in me...

Don´t risk to see the world already.
Not yet!
This is the only time,
that we have together,
the only time for our love.
We are still one...

If I would have only known
this was our time
the only time we will have at all!

We reached the 41st week of pregnancy without any signs of complication. We were exspecting Celia´s arrival every day, hour and minute... But Celia was absolutly in no hurry. On Monday (my scheduled due date) we went to the hospital for a check-up. They examined us, there was a vaginal exam made including stripping my membranes (I did not know what this ment at that time...). No signs of labor. The ultrasound and tocography were inconspicious and so we were sent home again.

Two days later (Wednesday) we had our next appointment at the hospital. Same procedure...vaginal exam, ultrasound and tocography. No signs of labor again... My hospital bag was packed weeks ago...

On Friday that week (two days after our last medical date at the hospital) the tocography showed that Celia´s heartbeat was a little bit to fast... but they did let us go home again... That day I already had the feeling that something was not right... That same evening I didn´t feel very well and during the night I had the first signs of labor. So I got up, made me a tea and started to fill the bathtub with water. I sat down in the living room and then my water broke under so much pain that I almost collapsed in the living room. After my water broke labor really started... Only a couple of minutes in between every labor pain...

My husband panicked... Since my water broke, we called the ambulance to bring me to the hospital. That was at 1.30 a.m. Saturday morning the 1st of September. The ambulance showed up after 10 minutes and 20 minutes later we arrived at the hospital. At that time Celia´s heartbeat showed tachycardia. They planned for me to deliver Celia naturally but after a while her oxygen level sank and the doctor in charge decided for a c-section. I felt a sign of releave and I remember how I thought: "Soon I will hold Celia in my arms..."

Since the peridual anesthesia was not set right, they had to give me a general anethesia for the c-section.

When I woke up only my husbad was standing next to my bed... - no sign from our little one... My husband was a nervous wreck and filled with scare. He did not know what was exactly wrong with Celia. After she was born he heard her cry one time and then the nurse hurried with her to the ICU.

Because of the general anesthesia it didn´t sink in my head what was really going on. My head was full of clouds and I couldn´t stop shaking from the anesthesia - it was terrible! We had to wait hours before a doctor from the ICU came to us...  The time waiting without knowing what was going on was hell on earth...

The doctor explained that it was not looking good for Celia. Celia´s lungs were not able te breathe on there own and he said something about a bacterial infection that caused the pneumonia. I couldn´t believe what was happening to us... We were totally unable to realize what the doctor was telling us... His words seemed not to reach our minds...

Since Celia was at the ICU, they brought us to my room. The nurse there didn´t know how sick Celia was and said: "Congratulations to your little girl..." - it was like a nightmare! A little while later my husband was allowed to visit Celia. She was connected to so many tubes and she showed no signs of life... Our little sunshine was laying there, her eyes closed, no cry, no movement at all...

The doctors couldn´t save Celia´s life. She passed away seven hours after she was born. When they came into our room to tell us what happened I thought I would not be able to live on... Our whole world collapsed... The passed nine month we lived just for the moment to see our little daughter.

We visited Celia to say HELLO and at the same time GOOD BYE... First I thought that I will no be able to see my little girl like that but it was the only chance to see my little angel at all ... We spent hours together with Celia. She was so precious... She had my nose, big feet (that´s why I felt her kick so well...), redish-blond hair and the ears from my husband... She looked like she was just sleeping and at first I thought that Celia will open her eyes any minute... but she didn´t. That I never saw the color of her eyes is still haunting me in my dreams... Celia looked like a little fighter but she wasn´t able to win the fight for life...

Celia was baptised in the hospital. My parents came to see Celia and say Good bye. We took pictures from her and we tried to put her little face, her smell, the softness of her skin forever in our memory. This moment had to last for a lifetime...

I finally got a single room and my husband stayed with me the whole week I had to spent at the hospital. Our friends and family came every day and they tried to support us. But I felt like life was not worse living for no more... One day before I was ment to leave the hospital the scar from the c-section had to be reopened because it got infected. The whole week at the hospital I was running a little fever which got higher and higher the night before I was supposed to go home. After the c-section I only received ABX for two days. This dose was probably not enough to kill all the bacteria. Later on we found out that Celia died because of GBS... How the bacteria passed the cervical os is unknown. Before the day Celia died I never even heard auf Group B streptococcus before!

The time after we left the hospital was like a nightmare. We had planned to leave the hospital as a family and now we turned home as a couple... In our hearts we are a family, its just that you can not see it...